Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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