Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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