a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
