the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
