Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
