the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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