you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
