you traded sex for a burrito?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
