Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
