Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
