I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
