A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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