good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
