I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
