The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Randomize
