M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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