remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize