dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
