There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize