he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
