I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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