oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
