I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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