mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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