His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
