I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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