I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
