even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
