dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
