You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
