just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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