the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
