Moan for me like Helen Keller
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
