I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
