we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
