im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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