my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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