some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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