talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
