oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
