Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
