My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
