it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
