everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
