I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The feeling are messing with the penis
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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