Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
