Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
