my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
