My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
