Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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