is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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