I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
