Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
