well I can't set my house on fire every night
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
