i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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