oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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