yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
