i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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