im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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